A Shelter That Can’t Be Blown Away
May 21, 2013 at 11:12 am | Posted in Parenting | Leave a commentTags: 10 yr old girl executed in North Highlands, family, Kelli Wheeler, kids, making kids feel secure, momservations, Moore Oklahoma tornado, Moore tornado, Oklahoma tornado, parenting, reassuring kids during tragedies, SacBee, sheltering your children, tornado survivor finds dog, tornado victim finds dog
Momservation: God gives us darkness so that we may see the light.
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Inspiring message found in Moore, Oklahoma tornado rubble 5/20/13
I will never complain about California again.
As my son and I watched on television the horrific images coming from Moore, Oklahoma yesterday after an F4 tornado ripped through the suburban town just like ours he asked, “Mom, could we ever get a tornado here?”
“No. Not like that,” I reassured him.
I knew that’s all he needed to hear. But as we watched rescue workers try to find surviving children in the flattened Plaza Towers Elementary school—another tragedy seeming to target our children in a place they should be safe—I felt the need to elaborate to reassure not just him, but myself that this kind of horror could not land on our doorstep.
I went into a long, rambling explanation of meteorology and tornado risk factors for the Midwest as compared to where we live in the Sacramento valley. I felt like if I distracted him with talk of Canadian cold fronts and Gulf of Mexico high pressure zones the dumbfounding and heartbreaking pictures and video of Mother Nature’s horrific potential would seem improbable to touch us here. Where we feel safe.
But as we’ve come to find out from places like Sandy Hook, Aurora, Boston, New Jersey, and now Moore (hit twice by catastrophic tornados in 15 years!), where man-made and natural disasters have darkened their doorsteps…nowhere is really safe.
As parents, our number one priority is to keep our children safe.
Our number two priority is to make our children feel secure by sheltering them. From the elements. From hunger. From thirst. From danger. From reality.
So even though I know it is truly all in God’s hands, that my children’s safety is really at His mercy, I can at least shelter them.
And yesterday that meant reassuring my son that a tornado wouldn’t flatten his school.
Today, it will be something different. Tomorrow something else. It could be as simple as the security of knowing Mom will be home waiting for him when he gets home from school. It could be something complex like explaining why a ten year-old girl would be executed for her brother’s gang affiliation (SacBee 5/21/13). Whatever it is, I will do everything in my power to make sure my children are safe, secure, and happy.
That they are sheltered until they are sturdy enough to become someone else’s shelter.
Amidst the destroyed physical shelters of Moore, Oklahoma many uplifting stories and images of human (and animal) perseverance, compassion, and support have risen. I will use these inspiring stories to help fortify the shelter I have erected around my kids. They will feel secure in knowing that even when things seem impossibly scary and dark, goodness and hope can always be found to the light the way.
Like this amazing video that will move you to tears:
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50147264n
To donate $10 to the Red Cross text REDCROSS to 90999.
Another Reason to Love the 80′s (Like We Needed One)
May 14, 2013 at 12:56 pm | Posted in Parenting humor | 1 CommentTags: 80's trends, Bobby Brown's My Prerogative, Def Leppard, family, importance of reading, Kelli Wheeler, kids, Love the 80's, momservations, parenting
Momservation: Getting your kids to love your generation’s music should be a sign of good parenting.
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Let’s play Spot the 80′s Memorabilia!
It is a well-established fact in our house the Mom LOVED the 80’s.
Loved big, spiral permed hair and AquaNet. Loved double layering polo shirts (with collars up) with matching double layered socks and Keds. Loved TI sweats, WHAM!, Local Motion tank tops, Magnum P.I., big-haired rock bands, SWATCH watches, rubber black band bracelets, pegged pants, white sunglasses with quirky prints down the side, and making totally rad mixed tapes.
Sixteen Candles? Can still quote the entire movie.
Just needed a hot pink visor for 80′s perfection
And neon colors? This prediction from Clayton Valley’s 1989 Senior Class Predictions should some up my love for it:
I predict Kelli Silveira will get married in a neon wedding dress with matching visor.
It was tough to resist, but I went with white. However, I LOVE that neon is back in style!
So here’s where this all ties in:
I was lying down with my 13 year-old son last night at bedtime, doing our goodnight routine. As we recapped the day I started giving him the business for falling behind on his Accelerated Reading goal.
“It’s not just about reading, Logan. Reading improves your vocabulary. It improves your comprehension. It enhances your writing ability when you’re exposed to good writing.”
Logan challenged me. “I’ve got good vocabulary. Go ahead give me any word. I’ll tell you what it means.”
He said it with a grin on his face. He knew that if we played this game with his 12 year-old sister Whitney, a voracious reader, she’d be tough to stump. He was more the guy you go to if you need someone to hit a homerun or score a goal.
“Okay,” I grinned back. “What does prerogative mean?”
Logan starts singing Bobby Brown’s 1988 hit. “It’s my prerogative…” but he doesn’t know the next line. He takes a guess. “It means to want to do something.”
“Close,” I tell him. “But if you just sang the next line it would’ve given you the definition.” Then I sing the song that is definitely on my iPod “80’s Greatest” playlist. “It’s my prerogative…I can do what I want to do…it’s my prerogative…cause what I’m doin’ I’m doin’ for you!”
Logan reached for his neglected book in defeat. Cracking it open he said with a grin in his voice, “Darn. I knew I should listen to more 80’s.”
Yes. Yes, everyone should. But you still gotta read kid.
This.
Not this.
Who am I kidding? You cannot live without Def Leppard. Just keep the headphones on low when you’re reading…
A Mother’s Day Wish List
May 7, 2013 at 10:55 am | Posted in Parenting humor | 2 CommentsTags: 40th birthday scavenger hunt, Chris Hemsworth, family, fantasy gift list for mom, gifts for mom, humorous Mom wish list, Josh Duhamel, Kelli Wheeler, kids, momservations, Mother's Day, mother's day wish list, Orlando Bloom, parenting humor, Pinterest
Momservation: The best way to spoil a mother on Mother’s Day is to give her the day off from being Mom.
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Please don’t ask me that question.
The same one you ask me every year.
It may sound kind, considerate, and generous to your ears, but to mine it falls in the same category as these questions:
What’s for dinner?
Do I have any clean socks?
When are we going to eat?
Can you help me with this?
Where is my ________ (fill in the blank)?
So when you ask me:
What do you want for Mother’s Day?
or
What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
…it just sounds like another chore to add to my never ending list of things to do for people. Now I have to even plan my own Mother’s Day???
About 10 years ago I got tired of hearing What do you want to do for your birthday? or Where do you want to eat for your birthday?
I was like: “You know what? If I’m gonna plan my own stinkin’ birthday, then we’re really gonna knock this sh** out! None of this Chili’s or Olive Garden like it’s something special.”
My birthday has since consisted of events like going to Tahoe and spending a weekend at Embassy Suites with special attention given to their Hosted Evening Reception; Couples Dodge Ball; Bowling and Laser Tag; and my 40th birthday Scavenger Hunt (that has been gaining traction as a repin on Pinterest).
So, if I’m going to be planning my own Mother’s Day, let’s really make this good—reach for the brass ring. Feel free to choose anything from this list to spoil me my darling family (And feel free to not limit this to a one-day-a-year occasion):
A Mother’s Day Wish List
- Breakfast served in bed by a shirtless Chris Hemsworth.
Yes, please.
- My car taken to be detailed, returned with a full tank of gas, and no evidence of children. Better yet, returned as a convertible BMW. Green please.
- Make arrangements so calories don’t count. Then serve up a dozen hot Krispy Kremes, a bucket of KFC, and a Ranch dressing fountain with bread, sweet potato fries, pizza, and sliders to dip in it.
- Do my 5k jog, 200 sit-ups, and 20 push-ups for me and have it so I still fit into my size 6 jeans.
- A pedicure and massage by Josh Duhamel.
If you insist.
- A day by the pool where I don’t have to apply sunscreen yet still tan without a burn, and the koozie around my six-pack abs has disappeared.
- I get to read a book cover-to-cover without guilt that I should be doing something more productive.
- I get to go to a non-PG-13 movie and get the jumbo popcorn, soda, and Junior Mints without having to share by divvying it out in cardboard carrying containers.
- I get 10,000 unique visitors to my website a month without needing to use the word “sex”, posting a picture with a bare breast, or having an opinion about something controversial.
- Coronas delivered to me by a shirtless Orlando Bloom while I watch the SF Giants beat the Dodgers and the San Diego Chargers beat anybody. Actually, make it a Vodka cranberry. Lime please.
Don’t mind if I do.
Be the High Tide
April 30, 2013 at 1:09 pm | Posted in Parenting | 4 CommentsTags: Chase McFadden, Chrissy Scivicque, family, helping others, Janine Caldwell, Karin Diamond, Kelli Wheeler, kids, Maria Shriver, Maria Shriver returns to NBC, momservations, parenting, Roni Teson, writer support, writers supporting writers
Momservation: Raising the best children isn’t a competition—it’s our gift to society.
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Maria returns to NBC
A while back I went to a book signing to support my then boss, mentor, and friend Maria Shriver. It was for her fifth book — AND ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO…. When I gave her my copy to sign I teased her: “You’ve got your fifth book out before I’ve gotten my first! You need to slow down and wait for me!”
But she didn’t laugh. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “It’s not a competition.”
Ouch.
But that’s why I’ve always liked Maria. She doesn’t mince words and she doesn’t RSVP to pity parties. She gets straight to the take-away message and has little patience for excuses. She believes each person should be the high tide that raises all boats. She inspires by example.
When Maria first hired me in 2004 she asked me when I would find the time to write for her. I was excited to report that with both my kids now in preschool I would have…drumroll…Three uninterrupted hours three days a week! All the time in the world!
“Who are you kidding?” Maria scoffed. “You won’t get any writing done then.”
Uh oh.
But then she went on to say, “I remember when Christopher was in kindergarten last year. By the time you drop them off, get your coffee, pick up your dry cleaning, run the errands that you can’t do with kids in tow…your three hours is gone. That’s why I do my writing at night when the kids are in bed.”
“You’re right,” I conceded. “I’ll still be writing at 2 a.m.”
Once we got that settled I was hired. The First Lady of California was my first freelance client.
Maria had found me because she read my article about her (Not Just a Mother, Inside Arden, July 2004). As a journalist she didn’t see me as competition. She saw me as comrade in literary arms, a sorority sister in motherhood, a writer worth mentoring in the name of paying it forward.
Wow.
Maria announced today she is going back to her journalistic roots and passion. She’s going to be a special anchor at NBCUniversal as she continues to adapt, grow and thrive in each of the new chapters of her life.
Though she faced challenges in the last few years that could’ve stranded her in the shallows, through her works of service and highlighting the contributions of others on MariaShriver.com, Maria never stopped being the high tide.
Amazing.
Said Maria of charging back to the forefront of reporting news, “I am grateful that my new role at NBC News allows me the freedom to continue working on outside projects — books, films, events, public appearances — and follow my voice and my interests wherever they may take me.”
High. And we shall rise with her.
In the spirit of being a high tide I wanted to endorse these fellow writers I’ve met along my own journey who deserve any and all success that come their way. Because it’s not a competition. It’s a support system:
Chase McFadden, Some Species Eat Their Young blogger. Twitter bio: “My four kids say I’m the best dad they’ve ever had. Like they’d know any better. 9th place ribbon husband to a trophy wife. Writer, blogger, derelict.”
Janine Caldwell, Young Adult author. Twitter bio: “YA Author of The Vortex Series. REMATCH, DOUBLE FAULT, DEUCE. Secret drummer & avid reader.”
Chrissy Scivicque, Eat Your Career writer and career coach. Twitter bio: “Creator of EatYourCareer.com, contributor to @USNews. Helping people discover professional nourishment. Is your career leaving you hungry?”
Karin Diamond, Eyes Peeled Always blogger. Twitter bio: “Writer/editor/social media and communications specialist blogging about adventures as a young adult cancer survivor living with – and beyond – disease.”
Roni Teson, Writer and Novelist. Twitter bio: “Author of Heaven or Hell, breast cancer survivor, living a life completely transformed.”
Rounding the Bases — Literally and Figuratively
April 23, 2013 at 12:13 pm | Posted in Parenting humor | 4 CommentsTags: April Men's Health, Buster Posey, CSN Bay Area, Dr. Endo, family, Kardashians, Kelli Wheeler, kids, Kruk and Kuip, momservations, parenting humor, SF Giants, teaching the birds and the bees, teenage boys
Momservation: Only a father holds the answer to the question: At what point does a boy look at a boob and decide, I think I’d like to give that a squeeze?
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Okay, I’ve been putting off writing about this until I could figure out a way of keeping the pervs off my website. But there’s just no way around it and this story is too good not to tell. So for all you sickos who just landed here for a cheap thrill: just keep moving to the Kardashians’ website…
We Wheelers are big fans of the San Francisco Giants. We loved Buster Posey the second we heard someone would dub their kid “Buster” — it was a bonus that he turned out to be a damn fine ball player. We even call our son, a skilled catcher and power hitter, Mini BP.
image courtesy of Men’s Health
So when I’m at the dentist office and see Buster Posey on the cover of April’s Men’s Health, I eagerly flip to the article called “The Naturals” about young baseball players making MLB history.
It’s an inspirational story complete with cutie-patootie pics of our boy Buster, but I didn’t get a chance to finish it before being called in to Dr. Endo (GREAT dentist for you Sacramento area peeps).
I make a plan to swing by a newsstand to get a copy of the magazine, eager to share it with Mini BP. Just starting his baseball season, I want him to read “The Posey Principles” among other interesting pointers and facts. Plus, since he’s not a big fan of reading, I’m hoping this kind of reading will jump-start his interest. I’m already anticipating being The Cool Mom for bringing this home for him.
So I grab the Men’s Health and I’m flipping through it while waiting to check out. I’m thinking I need to buy this mag more often for all the yummy men staring back at me from all the name brand ads when I get to the article. (Men and women’s mags have it backwards—put the hot guy ads in WOMEN’S magazines and send the impossibly skinny pouty lipped gals to the men!)
As I turn the last page of the article thinking Mini BP’s gonna love the profiles on Mike Trout and Bryce Harper too, I gasp.
Provocative woman with F-me eyes and perfect perky boob hanging out staring back at me with the title: “The 5 Senses of Sex.” The “5” is strategically placed over her nipple.
I can’t give this to Mini BP!! He’s only 13! And a really immature 13! I don’t want to be the one to introduce him to the five senses of sex and bedroom eyes and naked breasts!
I go to put the magazine back, but I’m like, “Shoot. The Buster profile is a REALLY good article though. So I decide I’ll just rip The 5 Senses of Sex out. But darn, then Mini BP won’t get to read the profile on Bryce Harper.
Disappointed I go to put the magazine back. Then I get another idea. I’ll staple the pages shut to The Five Senses of Sex complete with Playboy worthy photos!
Even as I purchase the Men’s Health mag with my plan in place, I know that nothing says “Hey! Someone doesn’t want you to see this! Better take a peek!” like pages stapled together in the middle of a magazine.
But I do it anyway hoping my little rule follower can resist the temptation. As extra insurance I try to make it hard for him to sneak a peek through the staples without evidence of ripped pages by putting about a million staples around the edges of the five pages.
Before Mini BP gets home from school I call Hubby at work to tell him about the stupid article that threatened to ruin my Cool Mom moment.
“Let ME see it before you staple it!” he says a little too eagerly.
“Too late,” I tell my grown adolescent before hanging up.
Later, when I excitedly present the magazine to Mini BP and tell him I think he’ll really like the article on his main-man Posey, he throws me a thanks before telling me he’ll read it later and rushes out the door to go play Man Tracker (hide-and-go-seek with a cooler name).
For the next few days I keep reminding Mini BP about the article, but I can see that an article about one of his favorite players is no match for watching them live on CSN Bay Area with Kruk and Kuip.
And as they days pass, I become uneasy again about the temptation of the stapled pages and what they’ll reveal, and decide it’s probably for the best if Mini BP wasn’t interested in reading The Naturals.
Then…the magazine disappears from where it’s been languishing on the homework desk. I panic. Did he finally read the article? Did he unstaple the pages? Is the magazine under his mattress and will I find it there with some old Playboys?
I frantically search the house. I’m relieved when I don’t find it in Mini BP’s room or under his mattress. But now I’m worried where he did stash it, certain my son who had shown more interest in ball sports than girls is now seeing how he can stimulate his five senses with the opposite sex.
Oh, I am SO not the Cool Mom! I wasn’t the one who was supposed to teach him about rounding the bases!
And then I find the magazine. Its pages carefully unstapled so as not to rip its precious contents…
…in Hubby’s nightstand drawer.
Explains the bedroom eyes last night…damn good article, BTW.
Someone’s Next Life Better Really Suck for This
April 16, 2013 at 11:48 am | Posted in Parenting humor | 2 CommentsTags: Boston bombing, Boston marathon bombing, Crying Indian commercial, editorial on Boston Marathon bombing, family, Kelli Wheeler, kids, momservations, parenting, parenting humor, raising kids in the 21st century, raising kids in times of terrorism
Momservation: If your home is a place of love and security, your child will feel safe when the world seems scary.
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Image courtesy of Huffington Post
Once again our lives have been interrupted by some zealot one fry short of a Happy Meal thinking they are doing God’s work.
I like to think that these people—who take matters of life and death out of God’s hands and into their own—when they one day meet their maker He’s waiting to say, “Dude. You SO did not understand my message. Boy, is your next life going to SUCK.”
Seriously though, I’m tired of constantly trying to reassure my children that this world is a safe place with more goodness in it than evil. That I keep needing to add to the list of places that cannot be entered without a shadow of fear for the unthinkable.
Both my children were new to this world amidst the dust of terrorism settling beyond New York and 9/11. They have never been through an airport without taking off their shoes. They have never entered Disneyland or a sporting event without their diaper bag, backpack, or Mommy’s purse checked. Earthquake drills have been replaced by lockdown drills at school. Malls, movie theatres, their schools and future colleges must be looked at as a potential harboring place for gunmen.
And while they know nothing different and it is a sign of their modern times, I am fully aware that this is not the world they were born into. I am angry that my teenagers couldn’t at least once experience the joy of being swept up in an exuberant crowd without thinking, “Man, if some sicko wanted to do some damage, this would be a perfect opportunity.”
And now my kids will never run a marathon without a sense of self-preservation mingling with the sense of accomplishment.
Just one more thing to add to the rapidly growing list of perfect (and inevitable) places for a cowardly zealot to wreak havoc. Business as usual in their 21st century existence.
Sad. Sad like the crying Indian from the 1970’s commercial mourning what senseless and stupid people have wreaked on his homeland. Imagine if he knew what unthinkable evil lie ahead. A single tear for litter and pollution—only to be followed by a torrent of tears for innocent lives taken for just going about their business.
God, I pray we have the strength to forgive and forget our fear, and that you shelter those touched by these tragedies with your love. (But it’d sure be easier to move forward if we could believe someone will spend eternity standing on their head in a room full of sh** for this latest bullsh**. )
Just add poo and I’ll be happy Lord…
This Math Equation WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!
April 9, 2013 at 2:04 pm | Posted in Parenting humor | 2 CommentsTags: family, Jeopardy!, Kelli Wheeler, kids, latest Facebook fad, math humor, mathematical equations, meals for your family, momservations, parenting humor, the math of cooking
Momservation: The definition of being a rock star changes as we age. Currently, I’m a rock star for having dinner going at 7 a.m. in a crockpot.
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Meal number 7,569
Right now the popular thing on Facebook is to post these simple looking math equations with a challenge like, 90% of people will fail to answer this correctly! So then everyone rushes to prove they’re the genius 10%.
I’m going to give you the answer to them all right now though: 100% of the people who answer it will be surprised when they suddenly get a computer virus.
That being said, let me run by you all a real math equation that BLOWS MY MIND! Here it is Jeopardy! Style:
The answer is 15,005.
The question?
What is the approximate number of meals I have prepared for my family?
NO WONDER I’M HAVING A HARD TIME FIGURING OUT WHAT TO MAKE FOR DINNER!
I’m over 15,000 meals served for my family here people—go ahead and cut me some slack if I’m finally running out of ideas!
Let me walk you through how I figured this staggering math equation out:
First, I didn’t start counting meals prepared until my first child was born—because when you’re just a couple preparing meals is a fun culinary adventure. Plus you go out to eat a lot. Once the kids come, no one wants to deal with the ordeal of stepping foot in a restaurant and food just becomes an exercise in sustenance.
So beginning 13 years ago I prepared 3 meals a day 365 days a year plus a day for each leap year:
365 x 4 x 13 + (13 ÷ 4) = 14,238
Next I added 1 snack for each day of the year until both kids went off to school:
14,238 + (365 x 7) = 16,793
Then I subtracted two days a week for 52 weeks accounting for when Hubby would BBQ on the weekend and make Saturday morning breakfast for the last 13 years:
16,793 – (52(2) x 13) = 15,441
Then I accounted for 2 days a week we’d eat out once we got wrapped up with Little League baseball and soccer seasons beginning when Logan was 6 yrs (13 – 6) which we did for 60% of the year and subtracted that from total adjusted meals prepared:
15,441 – (52(2) x .6)7 = 15,005
I did not account for impromptu trips to McDonalds and Subway because if it’s eaten in a car I get credit for a prepared meal.
So…WOW! Fifteen thousand five meals I’ve made for my family in the last 13 years.
I don’t even want to wrap my brain around how many trips to the grocery store there’ve been…
Mommy and Baby Girl Poppin’ Tags
April 2, 2013 at 12:20 pm | Posted in Parenting humor, Uncategorized | 2 CommentsTags: Abercrombie, Aeropostale, American Eagle, family, Forever 21, Kelli Wheeler, kids, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, mom and daughter shopping, momservations, Nordstrom, parenting humor, shopping, shopping with teenagers, Thrift Shop
Momservation: There is no sweeter reward for years of exhaustive childrearing than to hear a daughter say, “Mom, let’s go shopping!”
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Baby Girl Whitney turns 12 this week. It’s hard to fathom that it’s been a dozen years since I christened her Itty Bitty Whitty Little Girl So Pretty (which though pretty, she was never really itty bitty at 9 lbs 2 ounces and 23 inches long—but Lunker wasn’t very lyrical).
Now my Itty Bitty Whitty stands only 4 inches shorter than me and is gaining fast to make me the shortest person in the family. Just as we realized she could fit in my shoes, she outgrew them. And if I suddenly developed a taste for Abercrombie, American Eagle, and Aeropostale we could wear the same clothes (taste meaning a size 0 waist).
“Preteen” just doesn’t seem like an accurate label for Whitney anymore with her looks, maturity, and above average sarcasm (her poor older brother constantly buzzes right into her witty retorts—a pestering fly into her articulate web). Becoming an official teenager next year will just be a formality. 
Seeing my Baby Girl maturing so rapidly often brings stinging tears to my eyes and choked back sobs of nostalgia for when she truly was just a baby girl. But when I asked Whitney what she wanted for her 12th birthday I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer:
“Let’s go shopping, Mom. I want a day at the mall, just you and me, shopping,” she said.
I sobbed ugly crying face tears of joy.
Forget the precious infant years, the adorable toddler years, the precocious school girl years! THIS is why mothers give birth to daughters! For a shopping companion! For an enthusiastic shopping partner who says, “I can’t live without these shoes! You can never have too many cute jeans! Oh my God, you have to buy that, it looks fantastic on you!”
So Baby Girl and I, in the infamous words of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, are gonna go pop some tags (their song Thrift Shop kills me)! A shopping companion born! And while Baby Girl’s poppin’ tags off clothes from Forever 21 I’ll be popping tags from their jewelry because that’s all that fits me there! But who cares! We’ll laugh about it over a Cilantro Lime Chicken Salad at the Nordstrom Café before heading to try on ridiculously expensive shoes!
Ooooo, I can’t wait until next year when she can wear make-up!
Tricking Your Kids Into Chores – Easter Style
March 26, 2013 at 10:00 am | Posted in Parenting humor | Leave a commentTags: 10 Trick for Getting Chores Done, Duck Commander, Duck Dynasty, Duckmen, Easter, family, fun Easter ideas, getting kids to do chores, Kelli Wheeler, kids, momservations, parenting humor, Phil Robertson
Momservation: A chore by any other name will still be met with resistance.
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Our family loves the show Duck Dynasty. Fun fact: Moving from our first home 10 years ago I heckled Hubby for hanging onto his old “Duckmen” VHS tapes (Phil Robertson’s early duck hunting how-to videos) asking, “Who sits and watches rednecks sitting in duck blinds blowing duck calls?” We should’ve bought stock in Duck Commander then.
Anyway, on a recent episode of Duck Dynasty, Phil tricks his grandson and his grandson’s friend into doing chores around the house by telling them each chore helped build skills for football.
So, taking a page from Phil Robertson’s highly successful playbook, I’ve compiled a list of ways to trick kids into doing chores that will condition them for a successful Easter:
10 Tricks for Getting Chores Done
(Easter Theme)
- Matching Sock Hunt. Convince kids that finding the matching clean socks in the laundry pile will fine tune their egg hunting skills.
- Lights and Darks Separating Challenge. Tell the kids quickly learning to separate their light dirty clothes from their dark ones will help them more quickly separate out the black licorice jelly beans before they contaminate the rest of the yummy jelly beans.
- Shoe Roll. Instead of picking up all their shoes around the house, have them roll them into their closets—good practice for winning the Easter egg roll.
- Hazardous Waste Race. See which kid is the quickest in picking up all the dog poo in the yard so their Easter eggs won’t accidently get covered in “chocolate.”
- Weed Pull Contest. The more ground uncovered by invasive weeds, the easier it will be to find the eggs and surveillance potential Peter Rabbit hiding spots.
- Dust Bunny Bonus. Could there be chocolate eggs hiding near every swipe of the duster on this search for dust bunnies?! (Shoot! Those bunnies are so sneaky! Try again the next day—make sure to tip toe!)
- Clean Room Test. The Easter Bunny has been known to pass up houses with dirty rooms—are the kids going to risk it and test the rumor, possibly missing a visit from Peter Rabbit?
- Dishwasher Load/Unload Time Trial. Loading and unloading the dishwasher uses the same motions as finding and putting eggs in the Easter basket—great way to condition for quicker egg gathering!
- Pick-up the House and Put It Away Sprint. Good practice for Easter egg hunting by racing from room to room, finding the stuff they left all over, and quickly completing the task—sooner it’s done the sooner the haul can be assessed.
- Toy Toss. Work with a sibling partner to collect toys strewn all over the yard, tossing them to each other until they all get put back away—great hand-eye coordination practice for the egg toss.
Happy Easter! May your children ace Easter with all their good practice and conditioning!
And a Child Shall Lead Them to Sick Minds
March 19, 2013 at 12:56 pm | Posted in Parenting humor | 1 CommentTags: disturbing search engine terms, family, Google, Kelli Wheeler, kids, momservations, Oz the Great and Powerful, parenting humor, sick minded people, stupid people
Momservation: If the threat of castration was tied to porn, people would think twice about their internet searches.
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My Yugoslavian neighbor once shared this proverb from his country with me: Stupid people don’t need tending to—they grow themselves.
Applying this philosophy I’d like to take it one step further: If stupid people are growing themselves, the internet is their fertile ground.
Let me present some evidence beyond the plethora of “Anonymous” postings stupid people hide behind to spew ignorant, intolerant, and obnoxious garbage online. Pulling the curtain back on the interworkings of hosting a blog site (a la Oz the Great and Powerful) I can see all sorts of site stats regarding my blog. One of the things I can analyze besides page views, top referrers, and top posts is search engine terms. I can actually see the terms people have typed in to land then on Momservations®.
As the author of a humorous blog about family, raising children, and countless stories about my own children, this category makes me sick on a daily basis.
Without fail, every day, some stupid sick minded pervert has landed on my site, seen innocent pictures of my babies, and tried to derive satisfaction for some sick fetish because I might have used the word “pee” in a title about the challenges of potty training or “preteen girl” to describe my daughter.
Here is a sampling of searches from “These are terms people used to find your site” for Momservations®:
preteen girls pee pee
toddler pee
little girl sleeping
naked kid pee
girl sleeping+green thong
pee pee kids
kids pee outdoor
boys pooping outside together
child-girl skirt on playground playing
preteen little girls in underwear
“they are in their underwear”
child naked pee
potty training boys no pants
preteens naked
big girl pee
kid porn
puberty porn
little girls in thongs
little boy pees outside
girl puberty images
daughter pee
child pee
preteens lingerie
young girl pees outside
pee child
peeing boy
pee preteen
It makes me sick that talking about my children has led stupid, sick, sociopaths to my door. A lot of them. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it besides being more careful about words and phrases that I use in my posts that might tip off a sexual deviant.
My girlfriend, Kim, tried to reassure me by saying, “Your blog is a tool for reformation. Maybe when they end up on Momservations® and read it, they’ll be overcome by shame and wish to reform.”
Doubt it. I got a better idea I want to float to Google®: Anytime some stupid person types in a sick minded search term a wooden mallet needs to pop out from their keyboard and smash them in the twig and berries (this is the safest term I could think of that won’t land another type of pervert on my site).
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